He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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