Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
