I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
