There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
