Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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