I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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