from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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