to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
