don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I currently don't understand fingers.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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