i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
