Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
