I need help removing her.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
