Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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