Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
