I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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