I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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