Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
