put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Enjoy the penises
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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