I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
