She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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