The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
