Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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