I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
