He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
