and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
organizing the empties. That sober.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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