Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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