I seem to have left my pride at pride
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
