if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
