we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
