great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
