I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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