Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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