Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
this will be a night to untag.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
