Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
