Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
