Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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