Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
