I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize