I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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