This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
