The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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