I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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