I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
