i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We're too hungover to prance.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
