If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.