Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.