i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there