I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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