For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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