I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
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That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
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the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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