he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
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YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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