I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
