The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
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When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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