I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
