Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
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Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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