how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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